i think the title should say it all ...but for those of u who are thick-headed ..i will bother to elaborate ...
superficially my life seems ideal ..i have the most loving parents in the world ...the best friends anyone could ask for ...my class schedules are perfectly fitting my life ...i have loads of time to myself ..et al ...bottom line is ...things could not get better !! yet ..something is wrong...
*FLASHBACK* !!!
i was about 10 when i fell sick and was hospitalised almost ever 2nd-3rd month ..i was diagnosed with a disease that according to the doctors said usually happens to men and those who drink too much ..(i was 10 years old ..if u really think i was a drunkard at 10 .. get ur brain examined!) anyway ..since i was 10 ..i fell sick and i kept falling sick ..now these years that i was unwell were the most crucial years at school ..this was when the "groups" were being formed, teachers were teaching things that seemed so relevant at tht moment (algebra!) ..and i due to no fault of mine ..i lagged behind...i didn't have any friends, i didn't fit in anywhere and i was miserable
..but because of my parents, i never let it get to me ..they made me feel accepted and normal ...they showed me there was more to life than school and friends and i found them to be the best friends i had ...
in senior school.. my hospitalization came to a complete end ..but my social skills were at an all time low ..same story there as well ..i found it hard to fit in (with groups and clothes !!)...i blame the fat ! ..i was always a chubby thing (almost on the brink of obesity actually..) and that held me back even more ...but i survived (aah ...victory !!) ...and the credit of that goes to a few ppl ..!!
then came probably the best time in my life that i have ever had ..COLLEGE !!! it initially seemed as if it was back to being at school all over again ..but it turned out to be this teenage soap-opera where the plots got intriguing everyday !! lol ..the friends ..the hanging out ..the movies ..the barista ..the friends ..the village cafe ..the dram soc ...the back lawns ..the canteen ..the friends ..everything !! (i know i mentioned friends more than once ..but lets read a bit further ..shall we?!)
college years for me are the best years of my life (...memories ...sigh!!!) ...the people i met ..the time we spent together ..the shit we got into ..and got out of eventually ..i would give anything to re-live those moments ..just once!! im not going to mention names or events ..but those of u reading this ..u know me well enough to know that this is my way of saying i love u and i truly miss u ...
*BACK TO REALITY*
now im not home ..no where near it either ..im miles away ..almost on the other side of the world doing my post-grad ...and life here seemed the absolutely perfect ..untill about a few days back ...
well ..nothing as such happened ...(and i mean it ...) but i just feel out of place now ..more than ever ...i feel like im back at the nightmare that was school ..i feel out of place ...with people i know ..with people back home ..with everything ...
(i don't feel as if i've been forsaken ..but i do feel as of i need a little bit of that "home" feeling ...for the record ..this is not a self-pity trip ...this is a realization of sorts ..that i need to overcome ...)
anyway ...the last couple of days here ..(here, is where i am) ..i feel like i don't belong. its not the fault of the people around me ..its just that i feel as if i rushed into my masters ..maybe i should have grown up a bit more ..maybe i should have been a different person..whatever ..i just feel as if i should not be a part of what is going on. some of you might say that i need to get over it and take it all my stride ..and others might say "shit happens" ..but i feel out of place with the people i call friends ..
and for those of u sitting and reading this with a raised eyebrow ...i would suggest you lower it ..i had a bad day !!!
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3 comments:
I am not so sure tht i can precisely express wht i'm goin to say in English, but I'll try my best.
I did have the similar feeling as u said the other days. I felt I might be alone for the rest of my life, of which I fear so much!! U know i am the only kid of my family and i spent almost 3/4 of my lifetime staying at home, alone. I had little social life before college. (Which is similar as ur experience as well!!) Till now, I still feel afraid of talkin to someone who is not my close friend.
After we moved into the same flat, I had a lot of fun with u and others. But I am still so afraid of getting closer to anyone. cos i think my English is poor, at least not sufficient for communication; sometimes I am dissocial and unconfident. I would like to keep myself in the room alone, i felt safe at the beginnin, but then depressed and at last desperately found out tht no one can understand me.... I dont belong to any group...i am always alone!!
I was so suprised u also feel isolated from others, cos in my eyes u always with so many friends. I hav no such friends. U can go to their place and complain anythin unhappy. I hav only Yan who is no able to understand me.
but finally i found tht maybe it was my fault. I seperated myself from others and i dont want others to understand me so much, I wanna hide.
U r different from me, but if u have the momoent of weakness again, i am willing to be on ur side.
candid.hmm..all of us go thru the same feeling, sometimes even on "home" territory. like u said, its probably a phase..moments of weakness, solitude, uncertainty can be unnerving..it'll be over b4 u know it..
maybe forced time walled in is good for the self..i said maybe..
maybe ...!!! but its jus the thoughts i get after a bad day..or series of them ..!
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