birthday blues ...

Birthday blues ...(sigh) ...

first of all "birthday blues" (according to me) is the feeling where there is this undeniable awareness and the inevitability of the fact that your birthday is around the corner and you cant escape it ...there is absolutely no place to run and no place to hide from it ...

Anyway moving on,my story is about my birthday (in general) and how i somehow seem to slip into this phase of quasi-depression just around my birthday..I feel like running away before it gets here (which is a little difficult because its not a person coming after me ..its a day!)..and I stay in it even after its over because then the realization hits me that it isn't coming back for another year ..(dammit!). The age thing doesnt bother me much. I don't fret about growing older..fortunately for me..there are people older than me around me...and i guess growing older isn't so bad ...!!

For the past few years now, the day of the year i seem to be most excited about is my birthday, yet just 10-12 days before it, i absolutely regret it..I regret ever mentioning it, I regret it being publicly known ...(yes, I'm well aware of how big a retarded drama queen I'm sounding like..u don't need to remind me again,thank you very much !) ..

So anyway ..I get into this weird self-destruct mode which usually happens to me when I need to travel long distance, and or the kind of feeling u have when u need to go and see a doctor ...(when you're certain that bad news is in the offing !!) ...its very unnerving!
I feel so lost when the day is around the corner, I feel that life is passing me by and there is so much I still need to achieve and there are so many things I still need to do before a certain age (which needless to say ..i haven't) ...

Some reasons that i have found for this detest are ...
*loads of different people 2 please ..
*loads of money to waste ..which i could have saved and spent mindlessly on MYSELF !!
*loads of work for me to organise it and make arrangements ...
*and then there is ...well I'll think of a few more and tell u later ...!!

By the way ..has anyone ever noticed how on birthdays its the person who is celebrating gets all the work and is the one sole person at the party having the least amount of fun??? well i seem to think it fits a lot parties that i am thinking of at the moment ...

I however do admit that the past few birthdays have been the most unforgettable ones I have ever had! Last year was the best definitely ...but its the pre-birthday phase that gets me bogged down ...thinking about what to do..where to go..who all to call and who will come ..et al ...i know im making a mountain out of a mole-hill..but the thing that i hold against birthdays is that the things that i want and they way in which i want it to work out never happens and it seems so pointless even trying.
I don't completely detest my birthday ..I mean you get loads of good food, loads of calls and messages and a few card and presents (aah ..vanity!!) ..so that part is fun ..but somehow birthdays seem to have lost their charm over the years ...they seems to have become a source of misery for me ...(I'm not usually this morbid...I'm wonderful company on many occasions ..but not my birthday !!) ...kinda ironic if u think about it !!