don't ask ...

this is F*cking ridiculous (sorry for the language ..but read on ...) ...

last nite i slept off at the most ridiculously early hour of 00:45 ...and i wake up at 07:45 am ..turned the other side and tried to sleep in the hope that when i wake up next ..it will b at a good 11:00 am or something ..and after drifting off,i wake up to find out the time hasn't changed much and it was now 07:55 am ...(crap!)

pissed off and elated (yes! at the same time..!!..too bad if i'm blessed with that capability and you're not!!) with the fact that im up so early ..i decide to start my day ...since i did most of my reading for class ..i had my whole morning to waste ...(whooptiee-dooo ..lucky me!) ...my class is scheduled for 15:00 ..and till then i am free to do what i want ..(yeah ...whatever!!)


so i talk to my dad..reply to a few mails etc. and start doing some random searches online ..no aim ..no purpose ..and its not a surprise that i find nothing of interest ...i pick up a book to read and suddenly i realise i forgot to leave a bookmark on the page i was on (more irritation!) ..so i start reading and i keep reading till i reach the page i was on ..and while im reading ..im surrounded by this sense of deja vu ..cos wht im reading seems familiar ...!! (i know it sounds retarded ...!!) ..needless to say, i left the book ...


anyway ..now its almost 11:00 and i'm off to get ready ...no ..not 4 the 3 o'clock class ..i have a small errand to run b4 tht ...


anyway ...here's to a fun day of mundaneity (if tht is a word!)
and a good day 2 u 2 !!

more of random stuff ...

moment of weakness ...

i think the title should say it all ...but for those of u who are thick-headed ..i will bother to elaborate ...

superficially my life seems ideal ..i have the most loving parents in the world ...the best friends anyone could ask for ...my class schedules are perfectly fitting my life ...i have loads of time to myself ..et al ...bottom line is ...things could not get better !! yet ..something is wrong...

*FLASHBACK* !!!

i was about 10 when i fell sick and was hospitalised almost ever 2nd-3rd month ..i was diagnosed with a disease that according to the doctors said usually happens to men and those who drink too much ..(i was 10 years old ..if u really think i was a drunkard at 10 .. get ur brain examined!) anyway ..since i was 10 ..i fell sick and i kept falling sick ..now these years that i was unwell were the most crucial years at school ..this was when the "groups" were being formed, teachers were teaching things that seemed so relevant at tht moment (algebra!) ..and i due to no fault of mine ..i lagged behind...i didn't have any friends, i didn't fit in anywhere and i was miserable
..but because of my parents, i never let it get to me ..they made me feel accepted and normal ...they showed me there was more to life than school and friends and i found them to be the best friends i had ...

in senior school.. my hospitalization came to a complete end ..but my social skills were at an all time low ..same story there as well ..i found it hard to fit in (with groups and clothes !!)...i blame the fat ! ..i was always a chubby thing (almost on the brink of obesity actually..) and that held me back even more ...but i survived (aah ...victory !!) ...and the credit of that goes to a few ppl ..!!

then came probably the best time in my life that i have ever had ..COLLEGE !!! it initially seemed as if it was back to being at school all over again ..but it turned out to be this teenage soap-opera where the plots got intriguing everyday !! lol ..the friends ..the hanging out ..the movies ..the barista ..the friends ..the village cafe ..the dram soc ...the back lawns ..the canteen ..the friends ..everything !! (i know i mentioned friends more than once ..but lets read a bit further ..shall we?!)

college years for me are the best years of my life (...memories ...sigh!!!) ...the people i met ..the time we spent together ..the shit we got into ..and got out of eventually ..i would give anything to re-live those moments ..just once!! im not going to mention names or events ..but those of u reading this ..u know me well enough to know that this is my way of saying i love u and i truly miss u ...

*BACK TO REALITY*

now im not home ..no where near it either ..im miles away ..almost on the other side of the world doing my post-grad ...and life here seemed the absolutely perfect ..untill about a few days back ...

well ..nothing as such happened ...(and i mean it ...) but i just feel out of place now ..more than ever ...i feel like im back at the nightmare that was school ..i feel out of place ...with people i know ..with people back home ..with everything ...

(i don't feel as if i've been forsaken ..but i do feel as of i need a little bit of that "home" feeling ...for the record ..this is not a self-pity trip ...this is a realization of sorts ..that i need to overcome ...)

anyway ...the last couple of days here ..(here, is where i am) ..i feel like i don't belong. its not the fault of the people around me ..its just that i feel as if i rushed into my masters ..maybe i should have grown up a bit more ..maybe i should have been a different person..whatever ..i just feel as if i should not be a part of what is going on. some of you might say that i need to get over it and take it all my stride ..and others might say "shit happens" ..but i feel out of place with the people i call friends ..

and for those of u sitting and reading this with a raised eyebrow ...i would suggest you lower it ..i had a bad day !!!

birthday blues ...

Birthday blues ...(sigh) ...

first of all "birthday blues" (according to me) is the feeling where there is this undeniable awareness and the inevitability of the fact that your birthday is around the corner and you cant escape it ...there is absolutely no place to run and no place to hide from it ...

Anyway moving on,my story is about my birthday (in general) and how i somehow seem to slip into this phase of quasi-depression just around my birthday..I feel like running away before it gets here (which is a little difficult because its not a person coming after me ..its a day!)..and I stay in it even after its over because then the realization hits me that it isn't coming back for another year ..(dammit!). The age thing doesnt bother me much. I don't fret about growing older..fortunately for me..there are people older than me around me...and i guess growing older isn't so bad ...!!

For the past few years now, the day of the year i seem to be most excited about is my birthday, yet just 10-12 days before it, i absolutely regret it..I regret ever mentioning it, I regret it being publicly known ...(yes, I'm well aware of how big a retarded drama queen I'm sounding like..u don't need to remind me again,thank you very much !) ..

So anyway ..I get into this weird self-destruct mode which usually happens to me when I need to travel long distance, and or the kind of feeling u have when u need to go and see a doctor ...(when you're certain that bad news is in the offing !!) ...its very unnerving!
I feel so lost when the day is around the corner, I feel that life is passing me by and there is so much I still need to achieve and there are so many things I still need to do before a certain age (which needless to say ..i haven't) ...

Some reasons that i have found for this detest are ...
*loads of different people 2 please ..
*loads of money to waste ..which i could have saved and spent mindlessly on MYSELF !!
*loads of work for me to organise it and make arrangements ...
*and then there is ...well I'll think of a few more and tell u later ...!!

By the way ..has anyone ever noticed how on birthdays its the person who is celebrating gets all the work and is the one sole person at the party having the least amount of fun??? well i seem to think it fits a lot parties that i am thinking of at the moment ...

I however do admit that the past few birthdays have been the most unforgettable ones I have ever had! Last year was the best definitely ...but its the pre-birthday phase that gets me bogged down ...thinking about what to do..where to go..who all to call and who will come ..et al ...i know im making a mountain out of a mole-hill..but the thing that i hold against birthdays is that the things that i want and they way in which i want it to work out never happens and it seems so pointless even trying.
I don't completely detest my birthday ..I mean you get loads of good food, loads of calls and messages and a few card and presents (aah ..vanity!!) ..so that part is fun ..but somehow birthdays seem to have lost their charm over the years ...they seems to have become a source of misery for me ...(I'm not usually this morbid...I'm wonderful company on many occasions ..but not my birthday !!) ...kinda ironic if u think about it !!

lessons i have learnt...at least i think i have!!

lessons i have learnt ..i think ..

* Not everyone will agree with me.
* Parents are always correct (even if they seem to be off their rocker !)
* It's humanly impossible to win 'em all.
* People DON'T change.
* Being selfish is not necessarily a bad thing.
* I should learn to stop being so judgmental.
* I should learn to be more optimistic.
* I should sleep at an early hour so that i wake up "fresh as a daisy" and be productive !!
* Orating is entertaining!
* Things and people aren't always as they seem ...(and i learnt it the tough way)
* Looking up and walking makes a big difference!
* Blogging is diverting !!
* My world of make-believe is more whoopee!
* I was not born with a stop or pause button.
* Intelligent and smart are different concepts (trust me, i speak from experince!)
* Ignorance and indifference, really are bliss.
* My vocab has been flushed down the toilet...!

RANDOM NOTHINGS ...

1) The ground always smells sweet after the rain.
2) Tea does not taste like tea if it hasnt been brewed for a long time.
3) The morning that you NEED to wake up early and be some place important is the morning your alarm clock will not ring.
4) Things NEVER work out the way you planned or wanted, they either work out really really well or they make you want to curl up and die (not much of a middle path there!).
5) But you make your peace with it, nonetheless
6) Honesty goes a long way, even if dishonesty gets you off the hook, for the time being.
7) NOTHING will matter a year from now.
8) If in a "relationship", you feel that the person you're with "COMPLETES" you, walk out that instant...you won't be able to move when they do.
9) Those people who pass judgments on strangers (for no logical reason under the sun) should be locked up.
10) People who are show-offs need to be sent to CONFIDENCE BUILDUING classes (if any!)
11) People who think that feminists are "man-hating-lesbians" need to be condemned to purgatory.
12) People who think that gay women are "man-hating-feminists" have no imagination.
13) Everyone talks about, how you 'should be' mature on occasions, but uhh ...is there a gauge for maturity ??
14) There is no shame in confessing you screwed up.
15) There is no shame in apologising.
16) Its ok to be scared.
17) 6-shooters should be restricted predominantly for celebration.
18) The charm of reading a hard-cover book will never come with paperbacks.
19) Mindless laughter is always fun !!
20) We need background music in real life as well ..!!

boredom !!

"Be very careful what you wish for, it might just come true", this saying has never seemed true-er to me because that is exactly what happened!
I used to complain (even though not verbally all the time) as to how I don't have enough time to myself, how I never seem to have solitude. Of course my complaints were not directed to any specific people, they were just those random feelings I would experience when there was so much to do or so many people to cater to. Even though I would spend my time at home most of the days I was home, there were still so many people there, whether parents or brother..or even some friends, sometimes it would feel as if the air supply was being cut off. And I would envisage this picture-perfect life where I lived by myself and did things at my own pace, without having to answer to anyone but myself.
Alas, today I want to take back those words and just get back that old life because here I am, miles away from home with nothing but time (I know I will be taking back what I say now because when I go home,I will, without a doubt, be stuck in a rut of how I need to be alone!).
I have now, time to do things by myself and for myself. Be it reading, or watching a movie, or just sitting in my room and replying to mails which I did not because I was always running behind schedule.
Well, my day as of today has been quite productive! Woke up at a decently early hour, got ready and went for a meeting for some course work, which went off well (surprisingly!), then went to the library and got some material i needed. Met some friends for lunch, got home and completed my pending work.
And now, its 10:00 pm and I have absolutely nothing to do! And so I sit before my computer writting this blog just so I can pass my time and feel sleepy, and just sleep off!
What the hell has my life come to??? I suddenly feel older than my grandparents !!

does it really matter?

There are millions of people walking this earth and almost all of them walk with a face that isn't their own. We all pose as something we're not. We all at some point of time become someone we're not. No matter what our age or location, gender or occupation may be, we all walk as the person we truly aren't. And yet, we have never stopped to think 'why?'. Why do we pretend to be something or someone we're not? Why do we need to hide the real identity of ourselves? Why do we give so much importance to the opinions of those people who mean almost next to nothing to us, and that we're only companions for this contemporary period of our life? More importantly, do we ever stop to question or even realise for that matter, who we really are? Its amazing how we live our whole lives trying to be someone we're not, just to impress the people around us that at the end we end up losing our identity and are molded into the shape that has been appreciated by those handful of people who we interact with everyday.

The secrets we hide, the lies we tell, the person we pretend to be just so that it makes us acceptable to the world. We don't dare show who we really are because we fear judgement and rejection. This haunting fear of being judged and then rejected upon scrutiny scares us and makes us do things and say things and be people we aren't really supposed to be. By giving in to this fear does not by any stretch of imagination qualify us as weak, it just makes those who don't stronger.

But never once has anyone ever stopped to think about the question - Does it really matter? Does it really matter if not everyone likes us? Does it really matter that the world looks at as and talks nasty behind our backs? The answer should be obvious NO ! Because those who talk beind our backs are not only weaker, but are incapable of being strong. They do not have the ability it takes to break away from the so-called norm and show their true self. Besides in all likelihood, those are the people who instead of evolving further, start evolving backwards. Chances are, that, tomorrow when we look back at our lives, we won't see the life we imagined, we won't see the person we thought we were, we would just be standing in this dark vaccum where the past (which is of course unrecognisable); our past is standing before us and laughing at us, simply because we did not have the courage ...